HOMER SAYS   










Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!

Does whisky count as beer?

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.

Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

God bless those pagans.

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

Ha ha! Look at this country! ?You are gay!? Ha ha!

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!

Here's to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t... I mean s-m-A-r-t.

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'

I guess you might say he barking up the wrong...bush.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.

I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches, and that man broke my promise!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.'

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnidght.

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it --Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!

I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy. I think I'll need a bigger drill. Lisa, the mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas...World domination.

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways... and which way to the can?

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman --and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese.

Mmmm, forbidden donut.

Mmmm, free goo.

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.

Mmmm, purple.

Mmmm, sacrilicious.

Mmmm...fuzzy.

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball.

No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way...I was being sarcastic.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Read your town charter, boy. ?If food stuff should touch the ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.? Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.

Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. D'oh!

Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! Ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!

Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world.

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes.

The strong must protect the sweet.

There's a New Mexico?

They have the Internet on computers, now?

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.

This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!

Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things?

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me!

We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr.X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't "Homer J. Simpson."

Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup- it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha ha! ...with her.

What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

What the hey, I'll take the job.

What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces. Just know they're about to jab me with something.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! Oh, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on

In this house, we OBEY the laws of thermodynamics!

Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree!

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic...

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Alright Brain...It's all up to you.

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

Have you ever heard of jetlag? (enunciating) JET... LAG?!

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Homer no function beer well without.

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

I feel like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool, like a butcher's knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.

Ah! Tom Arnold! What's the hell's going on?!

Ah, ha ha! Look at that jerk! He dropped his notes! AH, HA HA!

Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

[drinking Duff beer] Ah... you can really taste the goat.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Always give in to peer pressure.

Always remember that you're representing your country... I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Are you hugging the TV?

As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. (While holding a newborn Bart)

Aw, Dad... you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless, aren't they? Aren't they? [he tickles Abe, who laughs]

Aw, twenty dollars... I wanted a peanut.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed.

Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me, and... maybe the boy!

But I can't be a missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.

(Homer bursts through the bedroom door and screams at a nervous Bart) Bart! You wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!

Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love?

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie... Spaceballs. But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.

But Marge, what if we picked the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage!

(snoring and talking in his sleep during Frank Grimes' funeral service) Change the channel, Marge.

I won't apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way that I am.

Come here, Apu. If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another... until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Earth to Marge, earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.

Enough. I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!

Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974; It's a scientific fact.

Extended warranty? How could I lose?

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

First you don't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

[telling Bart about how he avoided jury duty] The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

God bless those pagans.

Come on Lisa! Monkeys!

[about Lisa] Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and for the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is and I won't ask for anything more. If that is ok, please give me absolutely no sign. (pause) Deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. (pause) Thy will be done. (pigs out on the cookies)

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. (long pause) Well... g'night!

Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Don't you know the saying? 'Water water everywhere, so let's all have a drink.'

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fuh-LAMING!

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called... The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff... and I want in.

(drunk) Guess how many boobs I saw today? Fifteen!

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

God can't be everywhere, right?

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things. Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Help me, Jebus!

I thought I had an appetite for destruction... but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Good things don't end in 'eum', they end in 'mania'... or 'teria'.

I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.

I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!

(in New York) I'll get out of this city alive if it kills me!

(on the phone) Hello, Thailand? How's everything on your end? (listens) Uh huh. That's some language you got there. (chuckling) And you talk like that 24/7, huh?

Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that!

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

Hmm... fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters in law dead, luxury sedan... Wohooo! I hit the jackpot!

Marge, are we Jewish?

Hmmm... I don't approve of his Bart-killing policy... but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy [subsequently votes for Sideshow Bob].

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs to unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping be... g'night.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

If God didn't want us to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt? (chuckles)

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!

The Internet? Is that thing still around?

I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love... and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I've always wondered if there was a God, and now I know there is. It's me.

It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Marge, it's 3am. Shouldn't you be baking?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.

Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow!

Marge, I agree with you - in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.

Marge, someone broke the toilet.

Not those peanuts... the ones at the bottom.

Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.

My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!

Then I figured out we could just stick them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.

"To start, press any key." Where's the "any" key?! I see Kuh-tor-ull, Esc, and Pig-Up, but I don't see the "Any" key! Woah, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty, I think I'll order a tab. (Presses tab key) Ooh, too late for that now, the computer's starting!

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel...

Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.

Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

We're goin' bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!

What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?!

What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Operator, get me Thailand. T, I... and so on.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Wow, this plankton is only 33 cents!

You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.

Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Pffft. Who needs English? I'm never going to England.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd.

Stupid gravity!

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and, um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

There's so much I don't know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Now for the easiest job for any coach... the cuts.

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.

Of all the women in the world, I had to marry Jane Fonda!

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible: 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! According to this, everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go to back to that... building...thingy.. where our beds and TV... is.

Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaaaaaaane! [leaves the room, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [leaves again]

Oh! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of people know that.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!!!!!

You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

"There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it."

"I don't know how much longer I can complain."

"Note to self : Stop Doing Anything"

"Liquor drunkens me."

"Ooh! Sensory Depravation kicks ass!"

"I'm a rageaholic. I just can't live without rageahol."

"Mad Magazine!?! But that's our nation's largest Mental Health Theme magazine!"

"To alcohol, the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems!"

"Good things don't end with 'eum'. They end with 'mania' ... or 'tarium'."

"Without TV, it's hard to know when one day ends and another begins."

"Internet? Is that thing still around?"

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

"God, you're everywhere. You're omnivorous."

"Oh, save me Jebus!"

"God help me, I'm just not that bright."

"Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all."

"I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please Superman, help me!"

"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."

"One size fits all, my butt!"

"Awh! I'm being erased!"

"I've misplaced my pants."

"Marge, it takes two to lie; One to lie and one to listen."

"Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirt. I'm not popular enough to be different."

"Is it Bacon Day?"

"Marge, if you're going to get mad everytime I do something stupid, then I guess I just have to stop doing stupid things!"

"Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away."
'Happy Dude'

"Hello, this is Homer Simpson aka Happy Dude! The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to : Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power!
'Sorry Dude'

Homer remembers some important things etched into his palm
RED = MELT + DOWN
939 ( new area code )
Lenny = white
Carl = black

Simpson, Homer Simpson!
The greatest guy in History!
From the heart of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree!
Aaawwwhhh!!!

When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer
I purchased with a fake ID.
My name was Brian McGee.
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen.

Around the house, I never lift a finger!
As a father, I am sub-par!
I would rather drink a beer
Than win 'The Father Of The Year'!

I like the things the way they are!

As the weeks went on, so did the cartoon.

It may be on a lousy channel. But 'The Simpsons' is on TV!!!

You might be a conservative if ... you don't think 'The Simpsons' is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

"I pledge impertinence to the flag-waving, of the unindicted co-conspirators of America, and to the republicans for which I can't stand, one abomination, under-handed, fraud, indefensible, with Liberty and Justice ... ... forget it." (Life In Hell)

"Rightwingers complain there's no God on TV. Not only do the Simpsons go to church, they actually speak to God from time to time."
Matt Groening

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.

When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer no function beer well without.

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

You don’t win friends with salad.

He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.


Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!

Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”

Hans Moleman: I was saying “Boo-urns.”

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Duffman: Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!

Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

Mr. Burns: What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?

Ralph: Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.

Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.

Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Milhouse: Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!

Smithers: I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.

Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!

Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Marge: Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

Bill Gates: I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.

Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.

Apu: Thank you, steal again.

Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

''Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.''

I ordered 'double double burger' and they gave me 'double double double double burger'.

I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that so called volunteers don't even get paid!

A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon.

I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family. (Woken up at work).

TelevisionLook at them. Watching my TV. Sitting on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that.

''This doesn't happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America.''
— Homer Simpson, after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama

''Fox News: 'Unsuitable For Viewers Under 75''
—a new logo for Fox News featured in an episode of ''The Simpsons''

''Fox News: 'Not Racist, But #1 With Racists''
—a new logo for Fox News featured in an episode of ''The Simpsons''

A mock FOX News crawl on ''The Simpsons'':
''Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. ... Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. ... Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. ... Dow down 5000 points. ... Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. ... JFK posthumously joins Republican Party. ... Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple. ... Dan Quayle: Awesome.''

Reporter: ''Welcome to Fox News, your voice for evil. Tonight we'll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield's 24th congressional district. For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer, Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats, this guy.''
Armstrong: ''I have a name.''
Reporter: ''Yes, I'm sure you do comrade. I do appreciate you're being here, you're usually so mired in sleaze, it must be an effort to come down to the studio.''

Mr. Burns, convening a meeting at the Springfield GOP Headquarters:
''Welcome fellow Republicans. To start on new business, brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.''
Hibbert: ''All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagan. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan.''

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: ''Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?''
Mr. Burns: ''Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?''
Krusty: ''Russian hooker, you tell me.''
Burns: ''We'll say you were on a fact finding mission.''

Alright... lets see, first name, first name. Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions. Call me Abraham Simpson. - Abe Simpson

(When Marge inquires about the money) The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell! - Abe Simpson

I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet? - Abe Simpson

''I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.'' — Ned Flanders

Grampa: ''Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.''

Bart Simpson: ''Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?''
Grampa Simpson: ''I figured because the democrats were in power again.''

''Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!'' — Lisa Simpson

'An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?'' — Barney Gumbel

Grampa: ''Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.''

''Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.''— Mr. Burns

Todd Flanders: ''Daddy, what do taxes pay for?''
Ned Flanders: ''Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em!''