- 'Single and Sassy' - Homer's bumper sticker.
- Internet! Is that thing still around?
- Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.
- Okay, whatever to take my mind off my life.
- I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical. ( about voting )
- To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
- Rock stars ... is there anything they don't know?
- Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im. ( about Jesus wearing sandals ).
- Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
- All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
- All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
- America's
health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great
Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we
don't live in Paraguay!
- If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
- Dear
Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these
milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no
sign whatsoever ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)
- The girls of the internet. Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday! ( Looking at a "nudie deck" )
- If he is so smart, how come he is dead?
- This kid's a wonder!. He organized all the law suits against me into one class action suit.
- I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.
-
Aaw! it's so hard to get to 500 words ( Homer, the food critic ).
- The food was not undelicious.
- I'll tell people what to think. Now you tell me what to think.
- I hope you cut me better than you cut these string beans.
- And
how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time
I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to
drive?
- Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
- If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
- Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but ... (munch munch munch) mmm ... sacrelicious.
- Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.
- I don't apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that's the way I am.
- If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
-
WHO IS FONZY!?! Don't they teach you anything at school?
- It's twice the work of a deadbeat dad. ( about spending a saturday with kids ).
- God cannot be EVERYWHERE, right? ( Homer as Adam in a dream ).
- Screw that squeaky stuff. I want some hard antacid for my kid.
- What's keeping Joan Rivers alive?
- Ooh! sensory depravation kicks ass!
- Oh! look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?
- Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
- Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
-
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
- Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.
- Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.
- Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
- To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don't have to do squat. ( advice to Mr.Burns ).
- Do I know what rhetorical means?
- Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.?
The kids can call you Hoju! - Does whisky count
as beer?
- Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
- Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
- Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities :
John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.
- Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
- Are you sure you're an accredited and honored pornographer?
- I can't believe that someone I've never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me.
- Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
- First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.
- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
- God bless those pagans.
- Ah! I was voted most likely to be a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee. ( Homer, the Outsider Artist )
-
Stupid ice. I always knew I'll get stuck in something.
- I get weary in this sexually suggestive dancing.
- Marge, I think I'll remember my own LIFE!
- Marge, your paintings look like the things they look like.
-
What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden." ( giving a lecture on marriage ).
- Good
drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat!
- Ha ha! Look at this country!
You are gay!? Ha ha!
- Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
- Here's to alcohol : The cause of ... and answer to all of life's problems.
- Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!
- I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t ... I mean s-m-A-r-t.
- I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
- I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
- I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'
- I guess you might say he barking up the wrong ... bush.
- I hope I didn't brain my damage.
- I
know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric
football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents
bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well,
goodnight.
- I know you can read my thoughts, boy : Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow.
- I like my beer cold ... my TV loud ... and my homosexuals flaming.
- I promised my boy one simple thing : lots of riches, and that man broke my promise!
- I
saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its
SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think
it was called, 慣he Bus That couldn't Slow Down.
- I think
the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at
most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
- I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold ...... and eaten.
- I
won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going
right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh,
goodnidght.
- If something is to hard to do, then it's not
worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your
shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go
inside and watch TV.
- If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
- If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.
-
I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the
terrible Planet of the Apes ... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty ...
THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU
ALL TO HELL!
- I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
- I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
- I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
- I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!
- I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.
-
I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
- In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!
- It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!
- It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.
- It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
- It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
-
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
- Kids,
kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
- Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
-
Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a
purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't
care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop
sign!
- Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
- Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
- Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy. I think I'll need a bigger drill.
- Lisa, the mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas ... World domination.
- Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
- Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways ... and which way to the can?
- Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
- Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
- Marge,
please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated
and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that
might be extracted for our personal use.
- Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
- Remember
that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting
that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But
it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that
woman.
- Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?
- Marge,
you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman -- and I
have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear,
which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
- Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?
- Mr.
Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my
motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts
to come.
- No jokes, no taunting -- That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel!
- C'mere you butterball.
- No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.
- No,
no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike.
They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the
American Way.
- Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
- Now
go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may
achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations :
You may outsmart someone!
- Oh look at me !!! I'm making people
happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way ... I was being sarcastic.
- Trying
is the first step towards failure.
- Oh
no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and
for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a
minute, lemme count and make sure ... not even close.
- Oh,
everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks!
And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
- Oh,
Lisa, you and your stories ... Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain
cells. Now let's go back to that ... building ... thingie ... where our
beds and TV ... is.
- Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
- OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!
-
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
- Read
your town charter, boy. ?If food stuff should touch the ground, said
food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot? Since I don't see
him around, start shoveling!
- Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!
- Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
- Safety?
But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around
here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one ever found
out about.
- Simpson-Homer Simpson
, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. D'oh!
- Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! Ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!
- Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world.
-
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.
- Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?
- That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
- The lesson is : Our God is vengeful!
O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!
-
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes.
- The strong must protect the sweet.
- There's a New Mexico?!?
- They have the Internet on computers, now?
- This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.
- This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.
- This
perpetual motion machine she made is a joke : It just keeps going
faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws
of THERMODYNAMICS!
- Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family ... No offense.
- I am sick of running away. Did 'brave heart' run away? Did 'payback' run away? (to Mel Gibson)
- Just where do you think you are going, missy?(Lisa "ascending" into heaven)
- Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the ... things? Uh ... the things.
- A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
- I've got the presciption for you, Doctor ... another hot beef injection! ( Hands him a hot dog )
- Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
-
Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me!
- We monorail conductors are a crazy breed.
- Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? ( for Bart to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper ).
- Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
- Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back ... unless your
tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and
eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog
food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your
dog.
- Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
- Well,
it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that,
honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the
pound and get a new jazzman.
- Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So
anyway, Mr.X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running,
my name isn't "Homer J. Simpson."
- Well, you can't go
wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they
come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup - it tastes like
catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!
- We're gonna get a
new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little
cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.
- We're laughing
with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha ha! ... with her.
- What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your
bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot
bees at me?
- What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
- What the hey, I'll take the job.
- What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?
- When
I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it
would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it
was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy.
- When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces. Just know they're about to jab me with something.
- When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
- Yeah
Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've
seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked! Oh, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.
- Yes,
honey ... Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and
release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with
the whiskey bottle.
- Lisa, remember me as I am - filled with murderous rage. (y2k disaster)
- You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
- You
know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she
was really onto something.
- You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!
- You
know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy
music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly
provide.
- You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
- You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
- Your
lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them
incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone
bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and
again. And I say ... This stinks!
- Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
- Marge,
don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to
learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
- If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the
lottery numbers.
- To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to -
all of life's problems!
- I want to share something with you -
the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover
for me.'Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like
that when I got here.
- Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leah and as smart as Yoda.
- Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population : you.
- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose : it's how drunk you get.
- Lisa,
if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy
boxing and such and such.
- We
live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin',
did you?
- Marge send the kids to the neighbors. I'm coming home loaded.
- Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
- I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
- Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.
- Honey, I am not the catch that I appear to be. (in Las Vegas)
- The only guys who were Hawaiian shirts are gay guys and big fat party animals.
- Sweet Merciful Crap!
- Lisa do I have my pants on?!
-
Excuse me Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine.
- Nacho, nacho man. I want to be a nacho man.
- I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
- Hey, can you take the wheel for a second, I have to scratch my self in two places at once.
- Ooh, a graduate student huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?
- Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.
- Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!
- Good Things don't end in "eum", they end in "Mania" or "Teria"
-
Carnies Built this country, the carnival part of it anyway.
- The Alien has a sweet Heavenly Voice ... Like Urkle, And he appears every Friday night ... Like Urkle.
- If god didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.
- I felt a surge of power, like god must feel, when he's holding a gun.
- All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.
- My Bologna has a first name. It's H-O-M-E-R, my bologna has a second name. It's H-O-M-E-R.
- This ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it gives me the right, NO, the DUTY! to make a complete ass of myself.
- Jesus, Alla, Buddha ... I love you all!
- ... and I'm not impressed easily ... VOW! a blue car!!!
- Don't worry honey, daddy will fix that broken animal.
- Hey, if you dont like it, go to Russia!
- Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.
- Hahahahaha, I'm so funny.
- Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I got love in my tummy.
- Man it feels good to get out of that car! Oooo go-karts, come on every body, let's go!
- Maybe he is acting stupid to infiltrate an international gang of idiots. ( about a TV character named after him ).
- Hmm
... Fabulous house ... Well-behaved kids ... Sisters-in-law dead ...
Luxury Sedan ...WOOHOO! I hit the jackpot! Marge dear, would you kindly
pass me a donut.
- You don't know what its like, I'm the
one out there everyday putting his ass on the line, and I'm not out of
order!You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order!
You want the Truth? You want the TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
- I am 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggi.
- Who is this? ... ugly nose ... liver spot ... liver spot ... liver spot ... liver spot ...
- Is it normal to see Mr.Burn's face on a bowling ball?
- I know what is going on here. They did it to Jesus. Now they are doing it to me.
Marge : Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
Homer : Only in bowling ability. - Maggi,
that was a perfect game. But you stepped a little over the line. So, I
am taking off 5 points. ( Maggi at 295 in bowling ).
- Kids are great, Appu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves
now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.
- Bart : Gee
... Sorry for being born.
Homer : I've been waiting for so long to hear that. - Because when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend's face, you don't know what to do!
- FORGET IT MARGE! ITS CHINATOWN!
- Ahhh ... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
- Sorry
Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm
flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
- I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line some day from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.
- Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk.
- Whoooa, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, goodbye.
- sure, IN theeoory, in theory communism works ...
- When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen. - Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement.
-
Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again, is Mr. Plow!
- Hey there, Blimpy Boy, flying through the sky so fancy ... free ...
- Where's my Burrito? Where's my Burrito?
- We are not criminals. We are just two crazy, mixed-up kids (con artists Homer and Bart).
- Well ... GOD conned me out of 6500 bucks for car repairs.
- I told you I find them boring (little league games).
- We'll be stealing from people we KNOW.
- You've just won 10 million from the publishers clearing dealy.
- 60 cents!?! I could've made more money if I had gone to work.
- O.K. you can park my car, but remember, NO joy riding.
- Ooh! The magic
is made of chimps.
- Get used to it honey. From now on, we'll be spelling everything with letters.
- This place is a blast. All we have to do is bear two hours of excruciating pain. Then it is all sun and surfing.
- You're not the only one that can abuse a non profit
organization!
- Spine buster ... boring ... Oooh Kaleistromister!!!
- Flanders!?! That suit is a bit revealing, isn't it?
- Chesty Lerou ... Busty St.Claire ... Booby McBoob
[Homer's suggestions for a namechange for Marge].
- Nobody snuggles with Max Power ( name change ).
- Thank YOU for getting me out of work.
- Did somebody say 'Num Num'???
- Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart.
- I should have paid attention to the side effects. It's all in here.
- Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.
- I am doing a walk-on. It is a show business thing. ( after bowling fame ).
-
I know someone holier than Jesus. ( Flanders ).
- You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
- The
code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man.
Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you.
Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same
way you do. What else ...
- And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone
when his back is turned.
- What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that? I can understand how they wouldn't
let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones
who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
- And
Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe
dream.
- Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about
yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making
other people feel good about themselves.
- Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
- You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ...
I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
- Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
- Dear God, just give me one channel.
- Pffft,
English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
- Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.
- Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to
watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
- Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer : Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out. -
Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.
- Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
- A
job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and
poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
- Here's
good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are
declining at a slower rate ... Hey, this is the only paper in America
that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
- Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee. ( to Bart ).
- Lisa : It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer : Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television. - Homer : Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa : Really? Where?
Homer : Uh ... Somewhere in the back. - No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
- Homer : Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge : What's that?
Homer : [thinks] A dinosaur - Homer : I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge : What kooky projects?
Homer : You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. - I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. You know why? Whenever Marge turns on one of her
"non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for looooove.
- If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
- Homer : Marge, where's that ... metal deely ... you use to ... dig ... food...
Marge : You
mean, a spoon?
Homer : Yeah, yeah! - Marge,
there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it
with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I
think this chair is the answer.
- Marge : Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer : There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders ... the water department ... God ... - God : Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ...
God : But what
Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why
should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there. - Bart : Dad, this money is from Montana Militia. This is not real money.
Homer :
It will be soon. - I will live to be 42. Oh, only 42 ?!? I won't
even live to see my children die.
- I am not crazy. It's the TV
that's crazy. Aren't you, TV?
- Yeah, that's true. But the guy I
REALLY hate is YOUR father. [to a psychiatrist].
- I am sane again. Look Marge! ... and I owe all this to ... THE SPRING BREAK!
-
Marge : Homer, you are going to kill us all.
Homer : Or DIE trying.
- That's fine. There are plenty of other states where we are
welcome. [to Florida officials after the alligator debacle].
-
Arizona smells funny. [AZ and ND are the left-over states].
- I'll
lucky if I could get just half-an-hour to get funky [Rocker Homer].
- Oh! I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I am uncool.
- People know your name. You don't know theirs. It's great
[about being a rocker].
- It's mor important to be with my family
than being cool.
- Lisa : Wait a minute, rhinos don't come from eggs.
Homer : What did you just see, Lisa?
Lisa : But ...
Homer : What did you just see, Lisa? - Guide : This man here is more than 200 MILLION years old.
Homer : Pssst ... I got more bones
than he has. If you're trying to impress me, you failed.
Guide :
It's not the bones ...
Homer : You failed to impress me. - Boy,
everyone is stupid except me.
- You put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
- Are you sure this is the Sci-Fi Convention? It's full of nerds!
- Once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy!
- Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
- How about 'Screw Flanders' ?
- But I was going to loot you a present.
- They took the foam off the market because
they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.
- Rev. Lovejoy : So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer : The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy
: I cast thee out! - Homer
[thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open
at night? [aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
[thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.
- God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
- Marge : Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer : Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend! - Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
- So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
- Homer
: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart : No thanks dad.
Homer : When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa : I'll play catch with you!
Homer : Go
home. - Marge we're gettin some drive-through then doin it twice.
- Ahh burn it, send it to hell!
- Yeah! He's a crazy nut! It's not about me being lazy! It's about him being a crazy nut!
-
Marge : It looks like there's going to be twice as much love in this house.
Homer : You mean we're going to start doing it in the morning? - Give me some peace of mind or I'll mop the floor with you!
- My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! On our wedding
day I promised to bogart her for life!
- We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
- Ive been muscled out of everything Ive ever done, including my muscule-for-hire business.
- Lenny
says that I'm a (laughs) get this ... (laughs) ... a little SLOW ...
(laughs, pauses) ... how come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm
slow?
- You jive turkey. See? You got to sass it. Quit jivin' me, turkey. You got to sass it. A "turkey"
is a bad person.
- You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!
- Marge : Homer there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
Homer : Batman?
Marge : No he's a scientist.
Homer : Batman's a scientist.
Marge : He's not Batman! - Marge
: Have you noticed something about Bart?
Homer : New glasses?
Marge : No. It seems like something could be troubling him.
Homer :
Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge : I want to get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer : Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge : That's not what I meant.
Homer : Admit it Marge, it was. - Homer : Kids, Kids! I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart : What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer : Err ... He sold poisoned
milk to school children.
Marge : Homer!
Homer : Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on them. - Default! The two sweetest words in the English language.
- Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me! And maybe the boy.
- Burns : And this must
be ... (reading card) little Brat.
Bart : Bart.
Homer : Don’t correct the man, Brat. - Kent : Well what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it’s been preventing?
Homer : Oh, Kent I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t committing crimes.
Kent : (pause) Mmm, touché. - Homer no function beer well without.
- Bart : We were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer : He he. You don’t have a son.
- No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz.
- Take it easy Marge. How about if we dope you up real good? [Marge's fear of flying].
-
Marge that's twice - I think you're spending entirely too much time with this woman.
- Homer : Here's your giraffe little girl.
Ralph : I'm a boy.
Homer : That's the spirit. Never give up. -
That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room.
-
Marge : This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer : I dunno. The Internet? [Springfield snow]. - I want to set the record straight - I thought the cop was a prostitute.
- That's it!
If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house I gotta go out and buy some beer.
- Oh! it's 1 am. I better go home and spend some quality time the kids. [at Moe's]
- ... lousy lovable dog ...
- FBI agent Scully : This is just a simple lie-detector test. I'll ask some
simple questions and you should answer with yes or no. Do you understand?
Homer : Yes.
[ The machine blows up ]. - Homer :
I am not going to sleep with a woman who thinks I am crazy ... unless
you are feeling amorous ...
Marge : No, I am not.
Homer : [angry] Okay then, good night. - Bart : What if don't find anything?
Homer : Then we'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart : They'll buy anything.
Homer : Now son, they also
do a lot of quality shows ... ha ha ha ... They kill me. - Homer
: No one believes me.
Bart : I believe you, dad.
Homer : Then can you stop the cats from swearing? - Man1 : Is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
Homer : The second one ... xelaphone
.
Man2 : Is the alien santa claus?
Homer : Yes.
Flanders : Where you on my roof yesterday night stealing my weather meter?
Homer : This interview is OVER. - You changed me too. I am not the
same money-driven workaholic that I once was. [nanny Sherry Bobbins].
- Homer : I'll have this sweet blood pudding.
Bart : The secret ingredient is blood.
Homer : Blood!?! Olakkkk ... instead I'll have this sweet brain and kidney pie.
- Homer : When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking
monsters always want'n more ... more ... MORE! And if you give it to
them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart : Like what?
Homer : I'll tell you when you're older. - Homer
: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my
dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and
banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I
might have brain damage.
Bart : Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer : I like stories. - If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
- Son,
a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall,
300 pounds. They make ice, and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually,
a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd
step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one.
You wanna drink another woman!
- If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
- The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.
- Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
- Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend."
"I think we should see other people."
"I don't speak English."
"I'm married to the sea."
"I don't wanna kill you, but I will.
"... Six simple words
: I'm not gay, but I'll learn. ( advice to Lisa on boys ). - Lisa
: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer : Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you?
- Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
- Marge : Homer, you're going
to be famous!
Homer : Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge : Hmm, have you seen Bart?
Homer : Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. -
Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma
any more! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! s-m-r-t! I mean, s-m-A-r-t ...
- Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me!
- Are
you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in
handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And these TV Guides ... so many memories.
- Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!
- Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Heh heh
heh -- right in the butt. That was great.
- You
think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge ... they won't let
me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant
than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes
to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!
- Lisa :Sorry,
Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do.
Bart : It's just hard not to listen to TV ... it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer : Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right!
- Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this
one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a
different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of
eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero ... I want to
_live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!
- I've
always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
- So
here's the deal : you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for
anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign ... OK,
deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If
you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign ... Thy will be
done!
- The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.
- Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest
scare a few years back : our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
- Oh,
OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes ...
yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_
sarcasm.( about getting along with Marge's sisters ).
- Forty seconds? But I want it now!
- Homer : Lisa honey, are you saying you're _never_ going to eat
any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Ham?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Pork chops?
Lisa : Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer : Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal. - All
normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat,
I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress
people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
- [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key".
Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up
["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer
hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB
key].
- The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo!
And where's that cake?
- Homer : Marge, I'm bored.
Marge : Why don't you read something?
Homer : Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom. - Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
- I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.
-
Pftt ... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.
- Oh, Marge,
I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwitch.
- Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.
- Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her ... during the commercial.
- Marge
: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede
briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have
some terrible emotional problems.
Homer : Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had this, it would show everybody! Show everybody! - You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
- Marge : Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer : Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. - Homer
: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay!
Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
Marge : You're being ridiculous.
Homer : Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values.Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house. - Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?
- Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
- I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
- Smithers : Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer : I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. - Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer : Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God ... -
I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.
- Bart : Dad, I've got some bad news.
Homer : Your mother's not pregnant, is she? -
Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to
encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you
forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.
- Lovejoy : Now, even Lisa Simpson, must agree that we have witnessed a miracle.
Lisa : Hardly. Anyone could have written that.
Homer : Oh angle, listen not to this child of Satan! - My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay.
- If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.
- Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this? ( about his weight ).
- I'm
awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me,
I quit! Please, I have a family. ( woken up at work ).
- Stupid risks make life worth living.
- Marge : Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake!
Homer : You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed? - Homer : I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa : Actually, keeping promises
would make you a good father.
Homer : No, that would make me a great father. - The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
- Homer : Well, here we are. The whole family. All together,
sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and
laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family
can. Why, we're more than a ...
Bart : Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah. -
Marge : This should be a time ... for communication.
Homer : That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV. - I've
been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with
stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some cry
babies out there, religious types mostly, who might be offended. If you
are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on! I dare
ya! Buwack buck buck buck buck buck buck buck Buwack buck buck buck,
Chicken!"
- Ooh! I remember Television! ( about the 50s ).
-
Oh! no, you are not getting me on that dance floor. Don't try and make
me. Otherwise, God help me, I'll give you that divorce.
- Finally
I won respect from my fellow men ( Homer the motorcyclist ).
-
Remember to rebel against the authorities, kids!
- This gang is for REBELS, Flanders, not for CONFORMOES.
- You know that hard
look I get in my eyes? They saw that and ran like school girls with
tails between their legs. ( Hell Satan gang members ).
- Ooh! a million times!!! ( faster porno download ).
- That had nothing to do with the bucket ( driving with a bucket glued to his head ).
-
So, all this was a rouge to get money ( college reunion ).
-
Brother Faith : You feel trapped and are desperate.
Homer : yeah
... and I have a bucket on my head. - He cannot admit he likes her
until he knows she likes him ( Flanders and Rachel ).
- Lisa : I
thought we're doing this out of friendship.
Homer : That doesn't
sound like me. - Flanders has cooties ... Flanders has cooties ...
Flanders has cooties ...
- Is she still bossing you around from
beyond the grave? Can they do that?!? ( Flanders and Maude ).
- I
can spearhead the whole begging thing.
- I am sorry the tickets
don't cover visions, miracles or other godly hoohaas.
- Somebody
COULD get hurt ... COULD ... but chances are they won't.
- Oh!
what's going on? ... gmmmm ... I want a non-gay explanation. ( Bart
and Miller in dresses ).
- Let me see ... that's 3 christmases I
saved ... 8 I ruined ... 2 were kind of draw ...
- That is to scratch your ass (extra fork).
- Jimmy is an ugly word, Marge,
unless it is Jimmy Smits ... Grrrrrhhh ...
- Look at that land ...
with their laws and ethics ... they'll never know the joy of a monkey life.
- Oh! pirates ... are you friendly pirates?
-
After living like a billionaire, this place looks like a dump.
-
That is right. Even if we are not rich, that doesn't mean ... [sob sob
sob] ... I can't even finish it ... I want to be rich [sob sob sob].
- Homer : Why wouldn't anyone give me any award?
Lisa : You
won a Grammy.
Homer : An award worth winning. - I can be a jerk and no one can stop me
- Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.
- Flanders : I think we just hit something.
Homer : I hope it was Flanders! - Oh, I don磘 have the discipline to be a hippie.
- Homer : Come on, son, let's watch some telvision.
Bart : What's on, Dad?
Homer : It doesn't matter ...
- Marge : One person CAN change the world, but most of the time, you probably shouldn't.
- Big brother representative : Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain : Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer : Ummm ... revenge???
Homer's brain : Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step ... slam) - Homer's brain : Use reverse psychology.
Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain : Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer : Okay, I will! - Lisa : Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer : Did you wreck the car?
Bart : No.
Homer : Did you raise the dead?
Lisa : Yes.
Homer : But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa : Uh-huh.
Homer : All right then. - A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
- 50 cents??? Did this country give me a break? They spat on me.
- I stand by my disappointed growl.
- Look Lisa, it glows ... mmmmm
- Anybody cares what this guy says???
- Son, I learned everything I needed to know from The Horse Whisperer. ... [whisper] ... Horse ... go REALLY fast.
- Dunkin,
I don't care what the odd are ... 5 MILLION TO 1 !!!!! Ohhhhhh [sob].
- Dunkin, better win or ... we are taking a trip to the glue factory and HE doesn't get to come.
- Horse Jockey : Would you like to join us in the jockey lounge?
Homer : I've been waiting all my life to hear that. - Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some tang it would be you.
- I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
- Bart : That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer : Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge : No! What if he’s crazy?
Homer : And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots. - Homer
: Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I
know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap
ladies!
Woman : What was her problem? - I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.
- Faith : Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism
Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer
: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase
your word power.” That thing is really, really ... good. - Lisa : Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer : Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. - Marge : I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer : No, we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer : My cousin Frank did it.
Marge : You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer : He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now. - Here
are your messages : ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You
have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’
‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to
move your cube.’
- Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
- Marge : What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin’.
Marge : I don’t think it had broken axles before.
Homer : Before, before! You’re livin’ in the past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past! - Marge : Oh, that sounds fabulous
, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer : You like parties huh? Well, I just remembered they’re having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge : You didn’t remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer : The important thing is I didn’t imagine it. - Homer
: That tree’s been in the town of Springfield since the days of our
forefathers. Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Tow truck man : Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer : Stupider like a fox! - Aw,
being a clown sux. You get kicked by kids, hit by dogs, and admired by
the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I’m
leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning
business.
- I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
- Our
lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them
incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone
bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and
again.
- And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t like it.
- Always
remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying
is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
- Oh,
my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your
child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser
will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
- Look,
Marge, I’m sorry I haven’t been a better husband, I’m sorry about the
time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I’m sorry I used your
wedding dress to wax the car, and I’m sorry – oh well, let’s just say
I’m sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.
- Bart : Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer : He was a zombie? - Homer : Hello, my name is Mr Burns, you have a letter for me.
Postoffice : Okay. What's your first name, Mr Burns?
Homer : I ... Uh ... Don't know ... - Bart : "Dad, Lieutenant Smash has gone crazy!"
Homer : Yep, that's the look! he he he - Oh my god, this man's my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!
- Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!
- Homer : "No beer and no TV make Homer something something
Marge : Go crazy?
Homer : Don't mind if I do. - Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!
- Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
- I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!
- Lisa : Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer : Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation ... - Stupid T.V. Be more funny."
- Homer : Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor : We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
Homer : Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice! - We're goin to Moe's. If we're not back, avenge our deaths.
- I'm
not outta control! You're outta control! The whole freakin' system's
outta control! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause
when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was
your best friend's face! You'll know what to do - forget it Marge -
it's China Town!
- But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder.
- But I'm not a missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! [Seconds later] Save me Jebus!
- Homer
: Hey Marge, look at me - I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man
from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane ... In
case you didn't realize, I was being sarcastic.
Marge : Well duh. - Homer : But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge : And Margaret?
Homer : Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file ...
Marge [Whispering] : She means Maggie.
Homer : Oh yeah,
I don't have anything against her. - Homer
[When the house is on fire] : When a fire starts to burn there's a
lesson you must learn, something-something then you'll see, you'll
avoid catastrophe, D'oh!
- Lisa : 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer brain : What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer : Takes one to know one.
Homer brain : Swish. - Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV.
- Feelin' stupid? I am!
- Homer : Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa : Even you?
Homer : Especially me. - I've got two questions. One, where's the fife? And two, gimme the fife.
- Chief
justice of the supreme court. What great men he would join - John
Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger, mmmm burger.
- Homer : I will give up the civil war recreation society I so dearly love.
Bart : And I will take up smoking and give that up!
Homer : Good boy, that's a tough thing to have to go through. Here's a dollar.
Lisa : But he didn't DO anything!
Homer : Didn't he lisa, didn't he? - My hotdog has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, my hotdog has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r!
- Bart : Homer, are you licking toads?
Homer : I'm not not licking toads. - Ooh, I'll never eat chili again ... Woohoo CHILI!
- Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
- Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?
- I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.
- It is better to watch things then to do them.
- Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?
- I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.
- I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?
- You know something Marge? It's not that hard being a film cricket.
- Some people say I look like Dan Ackroyd.
- Kiss my hairy yellow butt.
- It's rainin' man! MOE - Not no more it ain't.
- Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas isn't it.
- We got more gongs than the great dancing robot that caught on fire.
-
Hello Mr. Burns? This is your mother.
- Marge, are we Jewish? MARGE-No Homer. HOMER-Woohoo!
- Jump free willie, jump with all your might!
- I haven't learned a thing.
- Stupid T.V. be more funny.
- Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow.
- Nacho, nacho man. I want to be a nacho man.
- So we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain?
-
Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody.
- Marge, I got sprayed by a skunk.
- Oh no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.
-
Yummie yummie yummie I got love in my tummy and I feel like loving you.
- How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?
-
Oh! nobody panic. There is plenty of spray for me.
- Marge, you
better do what the bird says.
- Lisa, we can hike anytime. This is
a chance to see CARS driving.
- Flanders, since when did YOU come
to see anything cool? ( car race ).
- From now on I'll never
leave the room without saying how much I love you and ... this takes a
long time. May be a pat on your butt will do ...[pat] that's it.
- Bart : Do you even have a job anymore?
Homer : It is pretty
obvious that I don't. [Filming Ned after Maude's death]. - Ned
Flanders - The man with the chest! [filming Ned for dating agency].
- I am the one who drove her [Maude] out of her seat. I am the
who wanted that shirt. I am the one who blocked the emergency van
preventing the resuscitation ... No use pointing fingers now. [Maude
Flander's death].
- Homer
: You think Maude is not dating in heaven? The heaven is full of
eligible bachelors ... John Wayne, Tupak Shakur, Sherlock Holmes.
Ned Flanders : Homer, Sherlock Holmes is a character.
Homer : He sure is ... grhhhhh ... -
Homer : Those floozies we married in Vegas will be mad about you, Flanders
Marge : What floozies in Vegas?
Homer : Marge, we are
trying to help FLANDERS now. - Ned : Homer, that sprinkler is MINE.
Homer : You see ... you should let go of things, Flanders.
- Why are you torturing me? I am just a man [to PBS on TV].
- Lisa : Mom, Dad is on PBS.
Marge : They don't show police
chases, do they? - Homer : Help me. I'll help you with your next
charity scam.
Brother Faith : It's charity DRIVE. - We're simple folks, here at Springfield. We like our bars open and banks closed. [PBS pledge debacle].
- Jesus, where are you? Owww [cry].
[Homer, the missionary].
- Me Homer. I'm hiding from PBS.
-
Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.
- I gave you a glitterous Vegas and you turned it into a crappy Atlantic City. [Homer, the missionary].
- Now either grab a stone or go to hell. [Homer, the missionary].
- You dear dear man, you're one of us beautiful people now. [facelifted Moe].
- It's time to get some closure ... EXTREEME closure.
- It's not nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem. [pouring beer from a tap].
-
God bless native America.
- Sorry son, though they look strange to
us, we have to respect their traditions. [Native Indians].
-
Homer : What a horrible future we live in!
Bart : You mean present. - Well, I have this robotic prostrate, but you cannot see it ... Oh! you can.
- Marge : Don't we have to wait for Lisa?
After all, she is the President.
Homer : She knows when the dinner time is. - Lisa, the President : So what have you been doing?
Homer : Looking for Lincoln's gold.
Lisa : That's a myth. Lincoln
did not hide any gold in the White House.
Homer : Then what is Lincoln's ghost protecting? - Mr.BURNS, I think we trust the PRESIDENT of Cuba!!! ( with a trillion-dollar bill ).
- I have a "TO-DO pile!?!
- Marge : Homer, get ready. You're late for work.
Homer : They said if I come in late again, they'll fire me. I cannot take that chance. - What can you do ... sex sells. [about a cereal commercial involving itchy-scratchy violence].
-
That's a pretty big kaboose for a baby.
- Homer : That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us baby-proofing things for the electrical outlets.
I'll draw scary faces on them.
Marge : Maggi is not afraid of bunny faces anymore.
Homer : She will be. - Homer : Meanwhile get a nice smooth Buddha.
Appu : But we are Hindus.
Homer : So am I, but I don't get all puffy about it. [baby-proofing Homer]. - Lisa : Where are we going to live?
Homer : How about that house?
Lisa : There are people living there. You can see them throught those tiny windows.
Homer : Lousy show-offs. - Marge : Are you sure this is safe?
Homer : Ofcourse Not. - Where is Waldo? Aw! this is will be a lot easy without all these people here.
- Lisa : Dad, the bride and the groom should cut the cake.
Homer : Oh! that's just superstition.
- Better now than when you're too old to get a man.
- Don't worry. She'll be here sooner or later to finish off Becky. Then we'll
have our mommy back.
- I heard she mates with men and then she eats them. [about "crazy" Marge].
- Lisa : Dad, where are the backseats?
Homer : I had to sell them for gas money. -
Marge : May be you should see a financial planner.
Homer : Financial Panther, eh? - Homer : Mr.Burns, I would like a raise.
Burns : What kind of a raise?
Homer : WHOPPING.
- I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.
- Homer : I don't have to rehearse ... Oh! Oh! Oh! Merry .... line?
Bart : Christmas. - You're having a family barbeque and you didn't invite ME??? ( to Flanders ).
- I am trying to impress people, Lisa. You cannot make friends with salad.
- My heart was in the right place, you JERK!
- Gee, ugly is such a smelly word.
- ... because that's the kind of guy I am ... ... this week.
- I
don't mind being called a liar when I am lying, when I am about to lie
or just finished lying ... but not when I am telling the truth.
- I wanted to write Disco Stud, but I ran out of space. [ Disco Stu jacket from the 70s ]
- Mmmm ... big shot. Why can't he stay in his own state? [President George Bush I]
- Alright ... his story checks out. [researching Bush's story]
- Eh ... Those phonies are sucking up to Bush.
- First
he invades my turf. Then he takes all my pals. Then he makes fun of the
way I talk ... probably. Then he interferes in my raising a
disobedient, smartalecky son.
- Hiding behind your koons, eh? Yoooooooo are a wimp. [Bush]
- Homer : I'll have to hit him where
he lives.
Bart : His house?
Homer : Bingo. - You brought some of your commie friends to fight dirty, eh? [Bush and Gorbachev]
- Bush : I am sorry I spanked your boy.
Homer : Ooh! Ooh! in your face, Bush. Now apologize for the taxes. - Marge : I am not
paying for sex, Homer.
Homer : Come on, Marge, you get something in
return. I get my bowling team. It's a win-win situation. - Hey,
now is the time for asking Mr.Burns anything. He is doped up or dying
or something.
- Marge
: Mmm! No! [pulls gun from Homer] No one’s using this gun! The TV said
you’re 58 percent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder!
Homer : TV said that ...? But I have to have a gun! It’s in the Constitution!
Lisa : Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today!
Homer
: You couldn’t be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn’t have this gun, the king
of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving
you around. [pushing Lisa] Do you want that? [pushing her harder] Huh?
Do you?
Lisa : [quietly indignant] No ...
Homer: All right, then. - Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,'you're making a scene'.
- Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that.
Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. - Marge : You are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer : The Black Panthers? - "And
by the Sacred Parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of The
Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of
all but three hairs" [Stonecutters Oath].
- Herman, how
could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or
another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers, like
Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the
people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me, too!"
-
You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built.
Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it's not a room, it's a
windowbox.
- Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
- Lisa : Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that cheque is ivory.
Homer : Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low. - Oh,
everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the
backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is
cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.
- Lisa : Dad, please, for the last time, I beg you: don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer
: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise
directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn? -
Bart : We have to go to that show.
Lisa : To get those tickets our parents would have to be part of Springfield's cultural elite.
Homer : Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush
? - Marge : How was your day at work, dear?
Homer:
Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend
over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough ... - Why did this have to happen during primetime, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
- Marge
: I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the bible say,
"Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"
Homer : Yes, but doesn't the bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut? - Millicent
: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash.
Homer : Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?
- Marge : We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer : Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.
- Michael : Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from the Jacksons.
Homer : I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons. - Billy : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
- Bart : You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa : Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer : Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
- Lisa : Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer : Well, thank you, honey.
- Skinner : Tonight Sherbet's, heh, heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
Homer : Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn't last long. - You
know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in
a parking lot? That should be on every car … And some things are so
snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins! And bubble domes!
And shag carpeting! I want a horn here, here and here. You can never
find a horn when you're mad. And they should all play 'La Cucaracha.'
- Marge : Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him.
Homer : Oh, that never works. He's a goner! - Homer : Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are?
Skinner : Well, for one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.
Homer : You mean all white with pink eyes? - Marge : Homer, is this some kind of stag party?
Homer : No, no, Marge. It's going to be very classy, a tea-and-crumpets kind of thing.
Marge : Hmmm. Eugene Fisk? Isn't he your assistant?
Homer : No! My supervisor.
Marge : Didn't he used to be your assistant?
Homer : Hey, what is this? The Spanish Exposition? - Lisa, two wrongs DO make a right.
- Well,
you're to blame for not being here. So in a way, this is all your
fault. Well, this is you mess and I'll be damned if I'm having anything
to do with it.
- A gun is not a weapon Marge, it’s a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or ... or an alligator.
- It seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
- Stupidity, eh?
- I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge : Maybe
we should move to a larger community. - Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Of course not, just for the rest of his life. - So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes,
let your children run wild and free.
- I
can’t live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all! The
terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might
offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors -
oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck
their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what’s to be done
with this Homer Simpson?
- The code of the schoolyard,
Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle.
Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless
you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else ...
- Bart : Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
Homer : What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart : Our teacher.
Homer
: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but
what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate
and smoke cigars? - Because sometimes the only way you can
feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm
tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
- You
heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My
baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
...
-
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
-
Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
- Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer : Son, I'm proud
of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out. - Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different ...
- Marge : I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer : A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water
and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal. - Homer : Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article,
SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
Lisa : Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer : Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
- Bart : Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer : Because she stopped loving me.
Bart : I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer : Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee. - If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
- [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
Homer : Hmm ... ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Oh, twenty dollars ... I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain : Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer : Explain how.
Homer's brain : Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
- This is not a wedding like the ones on TV. This is a REAL marriage.
- Flanders
: Many people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple
juice. It is easy to remember. If it is clear and yellow, you got apple
juice fellow. ... [blah blah blah].
Homer's brain : You can stay here. I am leaving. ... [Brain leaves and Homer falls down]. - Larry Burns : I am so lazy that I took piano lessons.
Homer : Ooh! that is lazy. - ... stupid economic recovery.
- ... lousy democrats.
- Larry
and I have so much in common, Marge. More than you and I. If I am
stranded in an island, the only person I would want to be with is Larry.
- Marge : Enough about Larry.
Homer : It's not like anything interesting happened to anybody else here. - It's not a real kidnapping, Marge. It's a hoax to win a father's love!
- My
kids ... they could be obnoxious (Bart), boring (Lisa), stinky (Maggi),
but they can always count on one thing ... their father's unconditional
love.
- Burns : We don't have to be adversaries Homer, we both want a fair union contract ...
Homer's Brain : Why is Mr.Burns
being so nice to me?
Burns : ... and if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours ...
Homer's Brain : Wait a minute, is he coming onto me?
Burns : I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer's Brain : Oh my God! He IS coming onto me!
Burns : After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows.
Homer's Brain : (Screams)
Homer : Sorry Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans
. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no! - Patty : Come on Homer, you can't spell obsequious without I.O.U.
Homer : I'll have to trust you on that. - I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty. Good night.
- Look how loud I have to yell!
- Movementarians : Would you like to see our leader?
Homer : Who the hell is that, some kind of leader? - He didn't give you gay did he? Did he?
- I'm pretty sure she is
going to be the next Hitler!
- Stupid as a fox!
- Just
squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an
appropriate time. Like taht day I hit the referee with a wiskey bottle.
'Member that?
- Talking Dog : Hey, Homer, find your soul mate!
Homer : Hey, wait a minute, there's not such thing as a talking dog?
Talking Dog : Bark, Bark!
Homer : Damn straight! - Burns : Use an open-faced club. A sand wedge.
Homer : Mmmmm ... open faced club sandwich. - Homer's Memory
: Find your soul mate Homer.
Homer : Where?!
Homer's Memory
: This is just your memory, I can't give you any new information
. - Homer : Quiet, I can't hear myself think.
Homer's Brain : I want some peanuts.
Homer : That's better. -
Homer : Hmm ... Fabulous house ... Well-behaved kids ... Sisters-in-law
dead ... Luxury Sedan ... WOOHOO! I hit the jackpot! Marge dear, would
you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge : Donut? What's
a donut?
Homer : AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! -
Homer : Ding Dong, the witch is dead ...
Bart : Which old witch?
Homer : The wicked witch! - Ned : We're done for! We're done-diddly-done-for! We're Done-diddly-doodly-done-diddly-doodly done-diddly-doodly
Homer : ( Slapping Ned from left to right ) Flanders! Get a Hold of Yourself!
( He stops slapping for a moment, Ned has calmed down )
Ned : Thanks, Homer ... I
really ...
( Homer begins slapping him again )
Bart : Dad!
I think he gets the point!
Homer : (Slap) Better (Slap) To be (Slap) Safe (Slap) Than (Slap) Sorry (Slap) ... ... sorry.
Ned : diddly (Slap) - Marge : Homer, stop picking at it!
Homer : Aww ... but I'm so sweet and tasty! Oh well, time to go to work. [donut head Homer]. - Devil Flanders : Now remember,
at the instant that you finish it I own your soul for ...
[Just before the last piece of donut disapears down Homer's throat]
Homer : Hey, wait! If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Devil Flanders : Uh, technically no, but ...
Homer : I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev ...
Devil Flanders : "YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!"
[Devil departs]
Homer : Not likely, heh heh! - Homer : Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich, for a moment.
Marge : Are you going to eat it?
Homer : Yes. - Homer's
Answering Machine - "Hello. You've reached the home of who ever you are
calling. We can't your call right now because we're at Moe's Tavern
with a frosty mug of Duff beer. Mmm…Duff. Please leave a message at the
beep and we'll call you back if there isn't a good wrestling match on
TV. Beep. D'oh!"
- ( Looking at a vending machine moving
around ) : Apple. Apple. Apple. Come on, candy bar. Apple. Hey, I know
you! You’re that first apple that I didn’t want. That’s sinks it. I’m
really gonna let em have it this time.
- Ha Ha! April Fools. I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks.
-
Man with Serum :Mr Simpson, you do realize that this may result in hair loss, giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium.
Homer :
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the serum. Hehehe. It was worth it. (Falls on the ground) Hehehehehe
Man’s voice : Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of The United States Army
Neurochemical Research Center at Ft. Mead, Maryland for extensive
testing.
Homer : Woo Hoo! - They didn't have any aspirin so I got you some cigarettes.
- Look, boy. Now I'm in Australia. Now I'm in America. Australia. America ...
Bart : I get it, Dad
Homer : Australia. America. Australia. America
...
Marge : Homer, that's enough.
Homer : Australia. America. Australia. America… [whack] Ow!
Man : Here in America
, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir! - I have got a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.
- D'oh! The bee bit my bottom. Now my bottom's big.
- Aw, there's only one can of beer left and it's Barts.
- As the Bible says, "Thou shalt not horn in on thy husbands racket"
- Lisa : Remember Dad, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer : Hehehe. That's nice, Lisa. But we're not in Astronomy class, we're in the woods. - Marge : Homer, we'd like to talk to you.
Homer : But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in. - Oh no ... Aliens ... bioduplication
...nude conspiracies ... Oh, my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right.
- Homer : I'm Mr. Burns, Blah blah blah. Do this, do that, blah blah blah. I think I'm so big. Blah blah blaaaah.
Burns :
Destroy him. - Woohoo! Look at that blubber fly!
- I hope I haven’t upset you…Bongohead!!!! ( Plays Mr. Burn’s head as a bongo )
Burns : Oh, I should be resisting this, but I paralyzed with rage, and island rhythms. - Ahhhhhh! Boogieman
!!!!
- To shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. Permit
me to demonstrate.
- Well, you’ll be happy to know I don’t work very hard. Actually, I’m bringing the plant down from the inside.
- Lisa : Dad, why are you singing?
Homer’s Brain :
Tell a lie, tell a lie.
Homer : Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start.
Homer's Brain : Bravo! - Homer : Aw ... The Denver Broncos
!?!
Marge : I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer : Yeah, yeah.
Marge : Well, explain to me why it isn't.
Homer : You just don't understand football, Marge.
- We got a little rule back home : if it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.
- Teacher : Now, um, I’m going to burn this donut to show how much calories it has.
Homer : Nooooo!
Teacher : The bright blue flame indicates that this donut was particularly sweet.
Homer : This is not happening, this is not happening. - Oh, this movie's too complicated. Hey, the floor's sticky. Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, "Who's that guy"
- I gave my love a chicken ... it had no bone ... mmmmm ... chicken.
- Homer :
Bart, he didn’t finish his spaghetti and Moeballs!
Homer's
Brain : Quiet, you fool, it can be ours.
Homer : (Eating) Run boy! Run! Run for you life, boy! - This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
- Homer : Conscience? Lisa, don’t let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.
Homer's Conscience : Homer, that’s a terrible thing to say.
Homer : Oh
! shut up!
Homer's Conscience : Yes, sir. - Homer : You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
Wiggum : They are? Oh no. Have they set a date?
- Kiss my curvy butt goodbye!
- Eean : (Phone rings) Hello?
Homer : Hello dean, you're a stupid head ...
Dean :
Homer, is that you?
Homer : Ahhh! (Hangs up phone) - Dear somebody-you-never-heard-of, how is so and so. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yours Truly, some bozo.
- I’ve gone back to a time where dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos!
- The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster been laughing
at me. Eww ... dog water.
- D'oh! Nuts!
- Just
great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are
a senile, buck-toothed, old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell
like an elephants butt.
- Homer : Good old Evergreen Terrace. The swankiest street, in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates.
Bart : Well, if you love it so much, why are you always littering?
Homer : It's easier, duh! - I am
Evil Homer, I am Evil Homer. I am Evil Homer, I am evil Homer.
- They don't call me 'Springfield Fats' just because I'm morbidly obese.
- All
right pie, I'm just going to do this. [chomp, chomp] And if you get
eaten, it's your own fault.[chomp, chomp, chomp, bang] Ow! Owww, my ...
Oh, the hell with it.
-
Ah, finally some quiet time to read some of my old favorites ... Honey
roasted peanuts. Ingredients : Salt, Artificial Honey-Roasting Agent,
Pressed Peanut Sweepings ... Mmmm
- Ahhh
... the old fishing hole, so peaceful and relaxing. Doesn't even matter
if I catch a single fish ... ahhh. Come on you stupid fish, take the
bait! Don't make me come down there!
- I used to rock and
roll all night and everyday. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky
to find a have an hour a week in which to get funky.
- Dean : Now here’s an appealing fellow. In fact, they’re peeling him off the sidewalk.
Homer : He he he. It's funny cause I don't know him. - Remember
when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that’s
nothing, because you have a gambling problem. And remember when I let
that escaped lunatic in the house because he looked like Santa Clause?
Well, that’s nothing, because you have a gambling problem.
- My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
-
Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by an extended period of gettin’ it on.
- Lenny : Hey Homer, what'd
ya do, get a haircut or something?
Homer : Look closer, Lenny
.
Lenny : Oh, I know what it is. You're the biggest man in the world now and your covered in gold.
Homer : 14 Karat Gold!
- Homer : Hey, what's going on?
Man : I'm having a little trouble with the government.
Homer : Ah, those jerks always walking over the small business man. Don't get me started about the government. - Oh, a graduate student, huh? How come
you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
- I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powered gravy I found in the parking lot.
- Hear ye, hear ye. The Homer Broadcasting System is on the air. All hollering, all the time.
- Lisa, never EVER stop in the middle of a hoe down!
- Here ye, here ye : Ye olde time choir proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson and he shall rock thy world.
- Maybe
it’s the beer talking, Marge, but you got a butt that won’t quit.
They’ve got these chewy pretzels ...(mumbles)…five dollars? Get out of
here.
- Homer : Mmmmm ...
Horse douvers.
Marge : Homer, you promised!
Homer : I promised I wouldn’t eat? Never! You lie. - Herbert Powell : And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer : And I want to let you! - Homer Mumbles fast.
Marge : Homer, what is it? Slow down!
Homer Mumbles slow. - Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry. It's just not fair dammit!
-
Inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!
- Aw. How am I going
to tell Marge we’re broke. I need a miracle. Huh? My house is on fire! Woohoo! Insurance to the rescue!
- I am invincible, invincible. You’re ... Owww!
- Uh
... I’ll have four tax-burgers, one IRS-wich ... withhold the lettuce,
three defendant size sodas, and a ficachino. (Whatever that is)
- I
tell ya. It's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their
little faces ... I just know they're getting ready to jab me with
something.
- It looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But Brother, it ain't ketchup!
- This is a place for learning, not a house of ... hearing about things.
-
Come on Bart! Remember what Vince Lambardi said. ‘If you lose, you’re out of the family.’
- You're living in a world of make believe, with flowers, and bells, and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats ...
- I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
- Lisa : Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer : Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet. But man, hehehehe. So, to answer your question, I don't know. - Well, if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lesson!
- Homer : Ok, tell you what. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50.
Marge : Is it 37?
Homer : D'oh! ... I mean no. - You mean, on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh no ... on own, on own. I need help. Oh, God, help me! Help me God!
- Marge, do you have othermen in this house ... radioactive men?
- Second
class. What about Social Security, bus discounts, medical alert
jewelry, Gold Bond Powder, pants all the way up to your armpits. And
all those other senior perks. You ask me, old folks have it pretty
sweet.
- Bob : Thus I submit to you: We abolish television ... permanently.
Homer : Go back to Massachusetts, pinko! -
Homer : There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney : Oh yeah? Which president's on it?
Homer : Uh...all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch.
- Marge, there's just too much pressure. What with my
job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But
I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
- I'll figure it out. I'm going to use all the power of my brain.
- Homer
: (Putting on glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of
an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man : That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer : D'oh! - It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes.
- Homer : (Phone Rings) Hello?
Man : Hello, this is the Repo-Depot. I just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow.
Homer : Oh yeah? How dumb do you think I ... (Hears screaching noise of tires) Ohhh ... - Man : Homer, this is never easy to say, but we’re going to have to saw off your arms.
Homer : They’ll grow back, right?
Man : Oh ...
yeah.
Homer : Whew. - Man : Homer, are you just holding onto the cans?
Homer : Your point being? - (Dials phone) Hello, Vegas? Give me a 100 bucks on red ... D’oh!!! All right, I’ll send you a check.
- You see, I got this friend named Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabba-do.
Moe : That's the worst name I ever heard. - (Receiving his Clown College Diploma) Got it! No shock for me! (Runs away)
- Hi,
uh…let me have one of those Porno magazines, large box of condoms, a
bottle of Old Harpor, a couple of those panty shields, (Speaks really
fast) and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas.
No, make it two.
- Homer : No tongue, eh? How did he talk, and eat, and laugh, and LOVE?
Lisa : He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver.
Homer : Yes, that'd do. -
Burns : I will touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice ...
Homer’s
Brain : Oh oh, I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he
just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips.
Mmmmm ... potato chips.
Burns
: ... swing for the fences. Got that, Simpson?
Homer : Yes, sir! - Mmmmm ... I can feel 2 kinds of softness.
-
Frazzles, Skittles, Whatchamacallits, Twizzlers? They all have hilarious names and are delicious.
- I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.
(buying a TV).
- Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment ... I would become a better public speaker.
- You su-diddily-uck Flanders!
- Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? Doh! Stupid poetic justice.
-
FBI Agent : (Tired) All right. When I step down on your foot and say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson, you smile and nod.
Homer : No problem.
FBI Agent : Hello Mr. Thompson (Stepping down on Homer’s foot).
Homer : (Long pause) (Whispers to other FBI Agent) Psst, I think he’s talking to you. - Now,
when I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I’m
saying ‘yes’ to every beat. Yes, yes, yes, this rocks. And then
sometimes I switch it up like "‘no, no, no, don’t stop a rockin’"
- Hey, there's something you don't see in a toilet everyday.
- Bart & Lisa : Dad!
Homer : My goodness, what's wrong?
Bart & LisaWe both had nightmares. Can we sleep with you?
Homer : You both toilet trained?
Lisa : Yeah
Homer : Oh, Okay then. - Homer : Oh My GOD!!
Lisa : What is it?
Homer : Tramampoline! Trabapoline! - Marge : Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee shirt? Kohmehni died years ago.
Homer
: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah: Ayatollah Nachbudah, Ayatollah
Dahadi. Even as we speak, Ayatollah Rasmarah and his cadre of fanatics
are consolidating their power. - Oh you're a dead man Burns, oh you're dead, YOU'RE DEAD BURNS!!!
-
Urge to kill fading ... fading ... fading ... (really soft) ... fading…(Loud) Rising!!! ... fading ... fading ... gone.
-
Marge : You have the right to remain silent.
Homer : I choose to waive that right. BLAHRARURAH!!!! - Come family, sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.
- Homer : What don’t they do? (Chuckles) Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!
Lisa : You don’t know what they do there, do you?
Homer : Not as such, no. - ... What-up, Marge!
- Teacher : Uh, my wife recently past away…I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
Homer : Will this be on the test? - Whoo hoo! Look, Marge! A couple of bucks!
- Homer : The mob is working on getting your saxophone
back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy
programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination.
Lisa : World domination?
Homer : Ohhh. That may be a typo.
Homer's brain : Mental note - The girl knows too much. - Lisa
: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see, list
your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life.
Homer : Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Son of Snigglets?
Lisa : No.
Homer :
Katherine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa : No!
Homer : Ohhh, I suck!
- You know what our vacations are like. Those three little monsters in the back seat.
- Bart & Lisa : Huh? Bye mom, bye dad.
Homer : Bye kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer. - Marge : Have you been drinking?
Homer : No! Well, ten beers. - Wait, wait a minute! When are those pancakes coming in the mail?
- With
my earning power, this family has nothing to worry about ... [pokes
himself in the eye with a hotdog] ... Oh! please call my office and
tell them I won't be coming to work tomorrow.
- You can call them 'Whitey
Wackers'. ( name for Marge's pretzels ).
- Marge needs help.
God knows I am not the man to provide it, but I know someone who
can.
- Homer : Hey! are you from the mafia?
Man : Well
... yes ... thank you for asking. - You mean to say that the mafia did something for me expecting something in return? Oh! Fat
Tony, I say Good Day to you, sir.
- Marge : Homer, did you
tell the mafia to crush my competition by beating them and resorting to murder?
Homer : In those words? ... Yes. I only
did what a loving husband would do. I hired some violent thugs to
help my wife. - Wait
a minute! Bart's teacher's name is Krabappal? I've been calling her
Krandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot of
myself.
- Hey! does this mean Miss Krabappal is a virgin too? [Principal Seymour Skinner being a virgin].
- Man : She thought that Mindy lived with Mork. [Jackie O]
Homer : Her husband was killed. Give her a break. - You should come to our house. It's full of valuable worthless crap.
- Marge : He prefers the company of men.
Homer : Who doesn't? - Marge,
Bart is wearing a Hawaiin shirt. Only two kinds of people wear that
shirt ... gay guys and big fat party animals. Bart doesn't look like a
big fat party animal to me.
- If there was a law, it would be against it. [Homosexuality].
- Homer
: Because of them [gay people], all the good names like Lance and
Juliet are all gone. Those were the toughest names we had. Now they are
just ... ...
Man (gay) : Queer?
Homer : That's another thing. You took that
word too. That's the word we use to make fun of you. Now I am taking
that word and my son with me. - Has the whole world
gone gay?!? [Unwittingly takes Bart to a gay steel mill].
-
Homer : That's it, Marge. I am taking Bart hunting. He is going to grow up straight for a change.
Marge : You've never gone hunting and you grew up perfectly straight.
Homer : Oh yeah? How long since you had a baby? - Come on Bart, be a sport and
shoot a reindeer.
- I've been tenderized. [after being hit
by a group of reindeer].
- I don't want you calling him a
sissy. He is a ... fruit ... wait wait ... queer.
- Homer :
eh, I lost my map.
Smithers : I've not given the maps yet.
- Homer : Oh! [Homer and Burns teamed up as partners in the moutain retreat].
Homer's brain : Wait ... then he cannot fire
you.
Homer : Oh! Oh! - Mr.Burns, I insist that we
cheat.
- Burns : You know Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.
Homer : No sir,
I am not. - Ooh! no going through the windows for us.
-
Burns : I am in your debt.
Homer : Use it wisely, my friend.
- Burns : The last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson
.
Homer : So what? - Look at his eyes. He is trying to
hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.
- Ooh! a
golf shirt with my own logo on it (HI) and it smells like salmon
too.
- O yeah! a dog like this should be fed EVERYDAY!
[Laddy].
- This dog has more education than I do. [Laddy].
- Lisa : Mom, you're mixing poly... with polyurethene!
(recycling)
Homer : MARGE!!! - I know where I could find
lots of paper (for recycling). ... Brings many bound books.
- Marge : Homer, you didn't tell me that Mr.Burns is in serious
financial trouble and that the power plant may be closed.
Homer : I can't remember EVERYTHING that happens at the office, Marge.
Marge : You told me you found a candy bar ten times! - TV news : Look who is flat broke and is picking up trash for a living! [Montgomery Burns].
Homer : Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ... Please be Flanders ... Please
be Flanders ... - Homer : It's okay, Lisa, but I sure could've used that 12,000 dollars. [Homer in the hospital after a heart attack].
Lisa : Mmmm ... 10% of 120 million dollars is not 12,000 ...
After some time, emergency code blue goes off. - Marge : What happened here?
Homer : Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogie Man. Of course
, none of this would've happened if you'd been here to keep me from acting stupid. - Wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can ... complete and utter dependence!
- One size fits all, my butt!
- [to the tune of Mandy] Oh, Mindy. You came and you gave without flaking but I sent you Bengay.
- [reading
the prepared speech for Mindy on his hand which is now smeared] Murphy,
use ... you are a elf ... uncontrollably ... I think ... a we nom yo ho
renge kyo.
-
Homer : Hey! What's the problem here?
Lisa : We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
Homer : [touched] You were? Aww ... Well, go ahead. - Homer : Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts!
Marge : Oh Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it ... Once.
Homer : Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the word ... Bonehead. - Homer : Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa : Tough
choice.
Bart : I'm picking respect. - Burns : Make yourselves at home.
Bart : Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
Homer : [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me!
Burns : Trouble, Simpson?
Homer : [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man. - Homer : You remember the rules from last year?
Bart : Yeah, shut my mouth and let your boss win. - Homer
: Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't
deserve it. I mean ... our kids are uncontrollable hellions
! Pardon my French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at
the picnic? Oh, of course You did ... You're everywhere, You're
omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?
Marge and the kids : Amen! - Bart : Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump!
Homer : It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.
Marge : Ho-mer, this is our house. - I want to be alone with my thought.
- Barney : Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got
yourself a bad hand. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
Homer : You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them. - Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.
- Homer : Now look ... You know and I know this family needs
help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
Bart : The fat guy on TV?
Lisa : You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro-wrestling
Homer :
Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference. - Marge
: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead
Homer : I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred an fifty dollars here! - Oh come on Marge! ... Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll actually get in someplace. [dipping to kids' college fund]
- Homer : [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this Motorola?
Clerk : Is it cable-ready?
Homer : As ready as she'll ever be. - Marge : Homer, you
raided the college fund, the TV ... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
Homer : Hey! No pain, no gain! - Receptionist : Will you be paying by cash
or check?
Homer
: Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here
with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look ... check it out
... Two hundred and fifty big ones.
Bart : You really want to impress her, show her the big empty
space where our TV used to be. - Look, honey, I clipped on my tie all by myself.
- Homer : Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.
Marge : You mean Frank Grimes?
Homer : Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?
- Marge : Look at this little plastic couple. Hmm, so full of hopes, potential, dreams for the future.
Homer : Hey Marge,
wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night? Wee little parties? - Marge
: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our
Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator
motor?
Homer : Eh, I never thought I'd live this long. - Shh! We're trespassing! And some of these farmers have pitchforks!
- Now they did say bed and breakfast, right?
- If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Ann's lace, I haven't found it!
- Marge
: You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on.
Homer : There's that dirty girl I married! Come on. I have a disgusting idea. - Awww! Eskimo kiss!
- I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!
- Marge : Oh, we drank so much that night!
Homer : Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit!
Marge : [laughs uneasily] Yeah ...
Homer : Well, this time I'm drunk on love ... and beer. - Homer : I'm okay,
honey. Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing, that's near the other thing.
Marge: You mean this thing
? - Marge : Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other.
Homer : Dads especially.
Marge : So they need to explore new ways to express their love.
Homer : Scary ways. But we never intended it to end like that. With thousands of people staring at our naked bodies. - Marge, What Was Your Gambling Losses Last Year?
- I'm All Man In Case You Heard Otherwise.
- Happy Birthday Boy or Girl!
- She's A Heifer
, Plain And Simple!
- It's A Party Marge, It Doesn't Have To Make Sense.
- We're Movin' On Up ... To The East Side!
-
I Think I Hear My Wife Calling.
- And I Ate The Mess He Left On My Rug.
- Don't worry. I've brought my rap-and-run Ronny tape ... [plays the tape] ... hehehe he does say 'well' a lot.
- Oh! I hope 'plunging' means 'up' and '75' means '200'.
[stock market and a nervous homer].
- Call me when you get a
karaoke machine. [after 'pulling the plug' on Grampa Love-Matic at Moe's]
- Homer : Marge, you told me we are going to have a
ghost on the show.
Marge : I said we are going to have a
GUEST on our show. ['The Simpsons' variety show]. - I am
sorry if you heard 'disney world'. I strictly said 'Military School'.
- If this doesn't work out, whould we still pay for
the whole semester? [Bart in military school].
- Oh ... Yeah
... I've always said the boy could use more ... confidence. [Bart
after military school].
- I'd rather drink a beer than be
the father of the year. [nanny Sherry Bobbins musical].
-
Marge : But he is locked up.
Homer : In a medium security prison.
[quieting a scared Bart about Sideshow Bob's revenge].
- Marge : Bart, you can't ask God to kill Sideshow Bob.
Homer : Yeah! You do your own dirty work. [to a praying Bart].
- Awww! This is St.Patrick's Day and I am not drunk yet.
[waiting at Moe's].
- Bart : I'll go to Moe's for a couple of
of beers.
Homer : I'll go with you. - Prohibition ... Psst ... They tried that in the movies and it didn't work.
-
Prohibition seems to be a good thing. People drank more and had a
lot more fun. [reading the newspaper about past prohibition].
- Marge : Why so many bowling balls?
Homer : I am not going to lie to you, Marge. ... ... ... Well, good bye. - That's it
boy, the REAL money is in bootlegging.
- Suck like a fox ...
hehehe
- Homer : Kids, everything is going to be okay. We are going to live under the sea.
Marge : Homer, we cannot live
under the sea.
Homer : Not with THAT attitude. - Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
- Okay it's the standard Grandpa Drill, everyone
into the celler!
- Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know
that so called 'Volunteers' don't even get paid?!?
- The human wang is a beautiful thing.
- Stupid traumatic childhood
.
- Your mother is obviously very stressed at the moment, so we'll let her clear away the dinner in peace.
- Lisa, I can't
imagine anyone be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every
way.
- Homer : If I want to find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain : I'm a four-eyed lamo and I wear
the same stupid green sweater every day.
Homer : To the Springfield lake. - Flanders
: You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol'
membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have
some fun.
Homer : Well, well, well. So flawless Flanders needs help from Stinky
pants Simpson.
Flanders : Yeah, I-I guess I do.
Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee.
Flanders : How 'bout it Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer : Wellity, wellity, wellity ...
Flanders : Stop that! Will you help me or
not?
Homer : Let's do it. - (Homer
is sitting at the dinner table in a burglar's outfit and keeps glancing
at the clock - to help Moe in his insurance scam).
Marge : Why all black?
Homer : Why all the pearls, why the hair, why everything?
Lisa : You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer :
No you look a little nervous Lisa.
Bart : You're up to something aren't you.
Homer : No I'm just going to commit certain deeds.
[Homer gets up and walks out] : Suckers. -
Captain Tennille : Oh, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Homer : And you're like the father I never visit. -
Marge : Homer, that crazy lady who lives in the trash attacked me again.
Homer : That's not the way she tells it. - Homer
: You signed my name? I feel so violated.
Marge : You've signed my name lots of times.
Homer : But this isn't like a loan application or a mortgage, you signed away my dignity.
- Carl : Please can I have your autograph.
Homer : Sure, what's your name?
Carl : We've worked together for ten years ... it's Carl. [Homer sharing his name with a cool TV cop].
- Homer : All right son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer ... Dear Lord, I
know you must be busy seen as you can watch women change and all, but if you help us steal this grease, I promise we'll donate
half the money to charity.
Bart : He's not stupid.
Homer :
All right, screw it, lets roll. - This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's comet collided with the moon.
- Oh baby, we've got him now! There's no escape from the airport.
- Homer : Look Lisa, I got 2nd prize.
Lisa : You won 2nd prize?
Homer : No, but I got it.
[Homer walks out, but comes in a few seconds later]. Stealing is wrong.
- Moe : Your husband was DOA.
Marge : Homer is dead?!?
Moe : I mean DWI. I always mix those two up. - Abe Simpson : Homer you’re dumber than a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it.
- Lisa : C'mon mum it's allowance day pay us.
Bart : Yeah mum
Bart and Lisa : Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
Homer : Oooh! ice-cream man! - Stop the plane, you don't understand, I don't even believe in Jebus. [bangs window and shouts] ... Save me Jebus.
- Marge : Of all the terrible things you've done in life, this is the worst, the most despicable.
Homer : But Marge, I swear to you-I never thought you'd find out. [Homer getting a gun]. - Bart : Dad, why aren't you talking? Where's
our motorboat?
Homer : I didn't like it, the mast had termites.
Lisa : Why would a motorboat have termites.
Homer : Because. The thingy was ... ... Shut up! - Marge : I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Homer : Pfft. Sor-ree your majesty. - Bart : Whoa, God is so in your face.
Homer : Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character. - (Homer
singing) There was a little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd
be. He'd heard or singers like Beatles, the Chipmunks he'd seen on TV.
Why not a little Spanish flea.
- Ned Flanders : Sure they're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbour.
Homer : Shut-up Flanders!
Ned Flanders : Okilly-dokilly-do. - School Principal : Lisa, if I have 5 apples and I give 3 apples away, how many apples will I have left?
Lisa : 2 apples.
Homer : Wait a minute. [calculates using his fingers]. ... She is RIGHT!!! - Name one successful person who has lived without an air conditioner.
- Brilliant!
... I have no idea what's going on. [A man and a pink horse are dancing on TV].
- Forget it, I am not going to spend a whole day in the museum ... unless they have foozball.
- Bart : So that's how Lisa got her saxaphone.
Homer : Yes and next time I'll tell you the origin of Maggi's pacifier.
Marge : What origin? We got it for a dollar ninty five at a stroe.
- A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew the pictues, Michaelmelangelo?
- Judge : Homer Simpson, I find you guilty.
Homer : Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record. - No,
the only monster here is the evil gambling demon that has infested your
mother. I call him 'GAMBLOR' and it's time to snatch your mother from
his neon claws.
- You suck-didly-uck, Flanders.
- Aah!, hey get off my sugar. Bad bees, bad. Ooh! Ooh! Oh! they are defending themselves somehow.
- Scooby Doo can doo doo but Jimmy Carter is smarter.
- Ah, so thats what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.
- Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.
- Ned, you so crazy.
- "Greetings,
friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power
inside you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742
Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is just
a dollar away."
*** Homer's auto-dialer message *** - Oh Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.
- Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
- If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
- They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.
- See you in hell candy boys!!!
- Homer's brain
: Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret.
Homer : Marge
, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge :
Oh, my gosh!
Homer's Brain : No, the other secret.
Homer :
Marge, I never passed high school.
Marge : That still doesn't
explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does. - Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement.
- Lisa : Who will police the police?
Homer : I dunna know. Coast Guard? - Marge : But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician.
Homer : Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay.
Marge : What did you say?
Homer : I don't know. I flunked Latin, too. [Homer explaining that he never passed Science 101]. - Then you start to cry like a sissy. When he turns away disgustedly ... That's the time to kick some back.
- "When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen" - Whoooa,
that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that.
Well, goodbye! [serenaded by country/western singer Lureen].
-
Alright Brain ... Its all up to you.
- I'm hitting the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line some day from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.
- Homer : No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge : Go crazy?
Homer : DON'T MIND IF I DO! WHARGHLULULU WHUR LALULUBRGLUBLU HAHUHAHU WOODWOOD HALULAOGH!
Marge : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! - Wiggum : Ha! And to think, those idiot environmentalists were protesting this landfill!
Homer : Solid waste! I could kiss you! MWUA! eugh! MWUA! ooh! MWUA! aah! MWUA! ooh! I think this one's pizza!
[After
Homer & Cheif Wiggum drive off a cliff and their impending death is
stopped by the car landing in a huge pile of rubbish ...] - Homer : How much does this job pay?
Lenny
: Nothing.
Homer : D'oh!
Lenny : Unless you're crooked.
Homer : Woohoo! - I got this scar in the strike of '88.
- Where's my Burrito? Where's my Burrito?
- Lisa : Do you think you can get the dental plan back?
Homer : Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator. Mr. Burns or Me!
Bart : Dad! I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old danish.
Homer : Done and done! Heh Heh Heh!
Homer : D'OH! - Homer : Ooooh! Punch!
Lisa : Eeugh! Dad! This is BLOOD!
Homer : Correction, FREE blood! - Lisa : You must drive this stake right through his heart.
Homer : Take that vile FIEND!
[Homer plunges stake into body, repeatedly hammering]
Lisa : Ah ... Dad, that's his crotch.
Homer : Ho Ho Ho, Sorry! - The
code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man.
Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you.
Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same
way you do. What else ...
- Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
- Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
-
Marge : I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer
: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and
poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal. - No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
- Homer : Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman : [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip]
Homer : What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise?
Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again]
Homer : [on his knees] I'll take it! - Marge : Homer's a very complicated man.
Homer : [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG! -
Ohhhh, my ox testicle has ants on it.
- I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.
- Give me some peace of mind or I'll mop the floor with you.
- We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
- Stop pummling
me! Its really painful.
- How
could you do this to me, Moe? This bar was going under and it was the
drink I invented that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would
be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
- American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice?
- Dasher, Dancer ... Prancer ... Nixon, Comet, Cupid
... Donna Dixon.
- Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?
- I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market guy.
- Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
-
Homer : But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge : How were you a political prisoner?
Homer : I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? - Old man : Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer
: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man : But it comes with a free serving
of frozen yogurt!
Homer : That's good!
Old man : The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer : That's bad.
Old man
: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer : That's good!
Old man : The toppings contain potassium benzoate ...
Homer : (confused look)
Old man : That's bad.
Homer : Can I go now? - You know, Marge, mud is nothing more than wet dirt!
- Marge : Homer, did you call the audience
'Chicken'?
Homer : No! I swear on this bible!
Marge : That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer : Mmmm ... fuzzy. - Homer (looking up at the living room ceiling) : God, why do you mock me?
Marge : That's not God, that's a waffle that Bart threw on the ceiling.
Homer : Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but ... (munch munch munch) Mmmm
... Sacrelicious! - Homer
: Mmmmm ... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch) ... 63
(munch munch munch) (cut to much later) Homer : 2 ... (munch munch
munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge : Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer : I think I'm blind. - Lisa (reading invitation) : "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart : What's that extra B for?
Homer : That's a typo.
- Apu : Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer : Uhhh ... spray the boy. - Mulder
: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer : Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully : Mr. Simpson, it's a felony
to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer : We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy? - Keep up the roughhousing, boy. Without a strong male presence you could go sissy any moment! Oh, these stubborn grass stains!
- If you were 17, we'd be RICH now! But noooooooo. You had to be 10!
- Oh Marge, anyone can miss Canada ... all tucked away down there.
- Kent Brockman : An oil ship has just sunk at BabySeal Beach.
Lisa : Oh No!!
Homer : Dont worry hunny, theres much more oil where that came from. - I don't know ... two dollars? And it only transports matter?
- Marge,
try to understand. There are two kinds of college students - jocks and
nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time!
- Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!
- Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son!
[Bart is about to take a booting in Australia]. - Homer : Oooh, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions! I'm great at these! Ask me if something smells funny in here, Boy.
Bart : Does something smell funny in here?
Homer : I don't think so ... STUPID! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
Marge : Homey, do you want pork chops?
Homer : No, I want roast beef ... YOU CLOD! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha! - Stay where you are! Or I'll boot your Prime Minister!
[Homer takes Australia's Prime Minister hostage with a giant boot]. - Rats
! I almost had him eating dog food!
- They let me sign checks
with a stamp, Marge! With a stamp!
- How
was Jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? and
build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? *chair breaks*
D'OH!!! Stupid poetic justice!
- And here I am using my own lungs like a fool! In the nursing home after seeing Lucky hooked up to a respirator.
- I'm 239 and I'm feelin' fine! Look! I'm using
the original notches that came with my belt!
- Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.
- New York is a hell hole! You know how I feel about hell holes!
- Marge, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm stuck between two vending machines.
- Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.
-
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
- Curse you, magic beans!
- A cool ball gathers no gutters.
-
Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.
- Lisa : Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
Homer : Those perfectionists, forget it.
Lisa : How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.
Homer : I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
Marge : There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents,
and you've always bounced back. - TV Announcer : Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be back with more tips
on how to win the lottery right after this.
Duff
Beer commercial : Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the
house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer that makes the
days fly by!
Homer : Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. - Homer
: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen
, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger
comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our
caveman ancestors, to the ...
Councilman : Simpson! Get to the point.
Homer : I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The other ...
Councilman :
All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye. Approved, Meeting adjourned. - Homer
: But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in
this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together.
Lisa : What, Dad?
Homer : I'm talking about THAT! [points at the SNPP]
Marge : You mean your going to pick on your old bosses?
Lisa :
Wow!
Bart : Gee, Dad's a hero.
Homer : What'd say, son?
Bart : Nothing.
Homer : That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say. - Burns : Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor,
or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you used to be.
I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
Homer
: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more
accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward]
including a few doozies no one every found out about. -
Homer's brain : Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high.
Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is
big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest
shirt I've ever seen. What should I ...
Burns : Simpson! Time's up.
Homer : What the hay, I'll take the job. - Burns : You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just for your principles?
Homer : Hmmmm,
you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched, but that's the lug your looking at ... and I vow to continue spending
every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job.
Burns : You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates. - Friends,
you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't
scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you
can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a
little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live
without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm
going to be leaving you ... But don't worry, I've just been appointed
the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!
-
Will you open the window, Lisa? The police have daddy's finger prints on file.
- Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you out.
- I pity those poor fools on the highway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.
- Hey, Miss doesn't find me attractive sexually anymore,
I just tripled my productivity.
- Come
to think of it, the guy who sold me this thing said that it would bring
grave misfortune. I just thought he was being colorful.
- Going bowling. Not back, avenge deaths.
- Can't talk. Robbed. Go Hell.
- Stupid bug! You go squish now!
- Oh, I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.
- I feel like a kid in some kind of store.
- Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.
-
For the last week its been my life long dream to be an inventor.
- Do you like Pina Colonics & getting caught in the rain?
- Hey, I know you, we were in the same pyramid scheme.
- We're not going to sign anything unless it's a contract.
- Wait a minute Barney, you have to be sober to fly, I mean, it's not like driving.
- Hi, this is Jerry Maguire, show me the message. Show me the message! [Homer's answering machine].
- See boy, the real money is in bootlegging, not your childish vandalism.
- Someone : Mr. Simpson, are you wearing a paper bag?
Homer : I have misplaced my pants. - Hehehehe
. Look at this country - U-R-gay. Hehehehe.
- Feeling stupid?
!? I am.
- I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy, unlike motherhood. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world ...
except for some Mag Wheels, that would be sweet.
- Professor
: And there will be a study session after class.
Homer : Do we have to go?
Professor : No.
Homer : Then kiss my curvy butt GOOOOD-BYE! - Smithers : Next question. There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
Homer : There's a problem with teh reactor?! [Homer stands up].
Homer : WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! [runs out of room screaming]. - Homer : Hey
Apu, why aren't you in church?
Apu : Oh, but I am. See, I have a shrine to my god, Ganesha, in the employee lounge.
Homer : Hi Ganesha. Want a peanut?
Apu : Please do not offer my god a peanut. - I said I was sorry ... Sorry you're such jerks!. [to mobsters].
- We're number one! We're number one! In your face Space Coyote!
- Homer : No! You can't shoot me! I'm not Krusty! I'm Homer Simpson!
Mobster : The same Homer Simpson that drove through the wall of our nightclub?
Homer : Uh, I mean, my real name is Barney Grumble.
Mobster : The same
Barney Grumble that keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer : Uh, actually, I'm, think Krusty think, Joe Vallachi!
Mobster : The same Joe Vallachi who squealed to the Senate Committee on organized crime?
Homer : Benedict Arnold!
Mobster : The same Benedict Arnold who planned to surrender West Point to the British?
Homer : D'OH! - Ovulate, damn you!!
- Homer : So which kid is your favorite? Is it Bart?
Marge : No.
Homer : So you're a Lisa fan, eh?
Marge : No.
Homer : Well it can't possible be the baby. What's she done for anybody? - Marge : Come on Homer, aren't you excited to see Japan?
Homer : Aw, if I wanted to see Japanese people I could just go to the zoo.
Marge : HOMER!
Homer : What? Takashi works there ... He's in my book club. - Chief
Wiggum : I'm getting complaints that this game is crooked. I'd hate to
shut it down, so maybe we can reach a little agreement. (extends out
hand)
Bart : Dad, I think he wants ...
Homer : Not right now, Bart. Daddy's talking to a policeman!
Chief Wiggum
: Let me put it this way ... I'm looking for my friend Bill. Do you have any Bills in here?
Homer : He's Bart!
Chief Wiggum
: Now listen to me and watch carefully as I wink. I'm looking for Mr. Bribe wink. Do you have a bribe? wink wink.
Homer :
This is a ring-toss game!
Chief Wiggum : That's it, I'm taking it down. - Homer : Help! Carnies have taken over our house!
Chief Wiggum : Well well, look who it is! It's Mr. No Bribe! Well, let's just sit here and wait for detective LikeIGiveADamn.
Homer : OK.
Lisa : Dad, I think he ...
Homer : Not right now, Lisa. Daddy's waiting for the detective.
- Homer : Oh, no!! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with 10000 angel ashtrays??
Bart : I could take up smoking.
Homer : You damn well better. - Bart :
Just so you dont hear any rumors, im being endighted for fraud in Australia.
Homer : Well thats no reason to block the TV.
- Marge : Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer : Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge : Earl Warren was never a stripper.
Homer : Oh, now who's being naive -
Stupid sexy Flanders ...
- The sea forgets all! Unlike those mean old mountains, I hate them so much.
- Guy : Hello sir, do you like to laugh?
Homer : Why yes, yes I do.
Guy : Well
the you'd love our comedy festival, it's for a good cause.
Homer : A rest home for pirates? - Lisa : Alright, let's all pick from the chore hat.
Homer : Come on bikini inspector.
- Guy : This could increase your brain power, or possibly kill you.
Homer : Increase my killing power eh? - Homer : I'm looking for something in an after dinner burrito.
Apu : To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen.
Homer : Why would I want to look at a pen wit ... oh no! Her clothes are coming off! Heh heh, you know who would like this? Men. -
Marge : You know Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer : Fun too! - Homer : Don't worry son, I have total faith in you.
Bart : Since when?
Homer : Since your mother yelled at me. - Lisa : I'm an ugmo.
Homer : Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa : Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer : Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa : No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer : There. See? - Homer : I sure could go for a hot dog right about now.
Marge : Homer! This is a funeral!
Vendor : HOT DOGS!
Homer : WOO HOO!
Marge : Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Vendor : Lady, he's putting my kids
through college. - Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo, and a giant sloth.
- There is nothing wrong with a father kissing his son ... I think.
- Sweet, sweet alcohol
... takes the pain away!
- Announcer : Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?
Homer : HITLER! - Announcer : Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are Red, White, and what?
Bart : Blue!
Homer : Yellow!
Bart : Orange, Red!
Patty : Green!
Homer : Black, White, Green!
Contestant : Green!
Homer : I was right! - Homer : Good morning Springfield! Good morning Mr. and Mrs.Wingfield!
Mr.Wingfield : Why dont you get a haircut you hippy! - Homer : Yallow!
Marge : Hello Homey, how's my big important executive?
Homer : Oh Marge, every woman I interview
for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me!
Karl : Hello Mr. Simpson, I'm ... Karl.
Marge : He sounds good, hire him.
- Karl : I want you to say to yourself ... I deserve this, I love it, I am natures greatest miracle. Go ahead, say it.
Homer : I ... I
Karl : Trust me Homer
Homer : I ...
Karl : Take a step and SAY IT!
Homer : I ... deserve this.
Karl : Louder!
Homer : I DESERVE THIS!
Karl : Shout it!
Homer : I AM NATURES GREATEST MIRACLE!!!
Karl : I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expences ...
Homer : YOU'VE GOT IT, BUDDY!
Karl : Lets go shopping! - Singer : You are so beautiful, to meeeeeee!
Marge : I love you Homer!
Homer : I love you Karl, uh ... Marge! - Bart : What happened, Dad? Did you screw up like the Beatles and say you were
bigger than Jesus?
Homer : All the time! It was the title of our second album! - Patty
and Selma's supervisor : Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in
a government building, because that is precisely the kind of infraction
that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. (Patty and Selma
don't know what to answer)
Homer (to himself) : I'll never forgive myself
for this. (He grabs both the sisters' cigarettes
Supervisor: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?
Homer : Yes. I am in flavour country.
Supervisor : Both of them?
Homer : It's a big country. - Homer : My son, a genius!!? How does it happen
?
Doctor
: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity
and environment. (looks at Homer) Although in some cases, it's a total
mystery. - It's not funny, and the one in my pants really hurts. [coat hangers stuck in shirt and pants].
- Homer : I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa : I'd like to believe that this time. I really would. - Bart : Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.
Homer : Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer. - Moe : Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant!
Homer : This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley. - Homer : Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa!
Judge : And, er, Margaret?
Homer : Who? - Bart : Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to Hell!
Marge : Bart!
Homer : Young man, in this house, we use a little word called
"please." - Marge
: Oh, Homey, look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like
that.,br>Homer : Well, maybe someone will give you one for
Christmas! (thinking) Now she'll really be surprised when she opens
that ironing board cover!
- Homer : And by the sacred
parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters,
may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three
hairs.
Moe : Um, I think he should have to take a different oath. - Lisa : Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Homer : Remove the girl. [Homer, the Great]. - Homer
on gays : They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They
turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names
like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we
had! Now they're just, uh ...
John : Queer?
Homer : Yeah, and that's
another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! - Marge,
you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of
make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs
with funny little hats.
- Homer : Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
Lisa : Doesn't Mom do that stuff
Homer
: Yeah, but I have to hear about it. - Listen
to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee that
takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'm your man! You can
treat me like dirt, and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice
cream! And if you don't like it, I can change! [to Mr.Burns].
- Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
- Karl : Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
Homer : D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that! - Stop that. I love my wife and family. All I'm going to use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little
fort.
- Homer
: Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't
deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my
French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic?
Oh, of course You did ... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh
Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?
Marge and the kids : Amen! - Doh! That purple fruit thing! Where were you last night? [Homer scratching a lottery ticket].
- What?! You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day.
- Michael Jackson : This is Gary. He can multiply any two numbers in his head.
Homer : Mmmm ... 5 x 9!
Gary : 45
Homer : Wow! - You could say we make a groin-grabbingly good team!
- Homer : Implied Lisa, or implode?
Lisa : Mum, stop him! - But Marge, didn't you hear? (sobbing) They have no bananas.
- Oooooh, a fresh batch of America Balls!
-
Oh, they got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo!
- Homer : I love these lazy Saturdays ...
Marge : But Homey, it's Wednesday today!
Homer : Waah! Work! - We could have our own game; where people throw ducks at baloons and nothing's the way it seems ...
- Rex Banner : (Outside the Springfield Planetarium) You're out there somewhere Beer Baron, and I'll find you ...
Homer : (Faintly in the distance) No you wont!
Rex Banner : (Suprised) Yes; I will.
Homer : Wont! -
Stupid gravity! [falling out of tree house].
- Marge : Now Homer, you're over-stimulated, lets get some beer into you, and then it's straight off to bed.
Homer : (Runs about frantically
, flapping his arms) Woo-hoo! - beer beer beer, bed bed bed! - Oh,
I'm sick of doin' Japanese stuff! In jail, we had to be in this dumb
Kabuki play about the forty-sevenRonin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but
they made me Ori." [Homer in Tokyo].
- I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face.
- Ooh! A trillion-dollar bill! That's a spicy meatball!
- So, what do like, Lisa? Via-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?
- Whoo-hoo! Cheap meat!
- Sweet Merciful Crap!
- They're DOGS and they're playing POKER!
- Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!
- You
deserve all the finest things in the world and although I can give them
to you, they will be repossessed and I will be hunted down like a dog.
- I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
- Here
lies ... Walt Whitman. Aaargh! Damn you Walt Whitman! I ... hate ...
you ... Walt ... freaking ... Whitman, leaves of grass my ass!
-
Lisa : Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Homer :
Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed
. - Lisa : It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer's
brain : Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll
think you're stupid.
Homer : Takes one to know one!
Homer'
s Brain : Swish! - How can you say anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little.
- Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.
- Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.
- Marge : Homer, you dont' think what we're doing is wrong do you?
Homer : Honey, i don't think anything i've ever done is wrong. - Bart : No offense Homer, your half-assed-under-parenting was a whole lot better than your half-assed-over-parenting
Homer : Oooh! but I was using my whole ass. - I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.
- You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
- Bart : What religion are you?
Homer :
You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity. - If something is hard then it is probably not worth doing.
- Hutz
: Mr. Simpson I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help
but overhearing that you need a babysitter! Since I'm a highly trained
lawyer I'll charge you $200/hour.
Homer : I'll give you six bucks and you can take 2 popsicles out of the fridge!
Hutz : Three!
Homer : No, Two! - Judge, I'll have those shoes ready by monday.
- Hutz :Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when wet.
Homer : Ooh! Classy! - Oh
... Patterson was right! I'm crashing and burning! Crashing and
burning! ... How could you spend 4.6 million dollars in a month? ...
They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge! A stamp! ... You know,
Dad, there's a lesson in all this. Many cities have problems with
garbage disposal, and it's time we realize you can't just ... Wait!
Shut up! I just thought of something!
- I need a name for
my company, something that is cutting edge, like Cut Co, or Edge Com,
or Inter-Slice ... How about Compuglobalhypermeganet ... The name's not
important.
- You don't happen to have a bathroom in there do you?
- I guess we'll be going down together, I mean getting off together, I mean ... That's Ok, I'll
just press the button for the stimulator.
- Oh Margie, you came and found me a turkey on my vacation away from workie.
- Is "poo-poo head" one word or two?
- Homer : But Marge you can't go out tommarow, it's Saturday, our special night.
Marge : What's so special about it?
Homer : ... Oh! I don't know, a little show called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. -
You broke a promise to your duaghter and that made her cry and then Maggie cried. Oh she's such a little trooper.
- I have a problem, I am very tempted by another woman
Someone : Well if it isn't Homer Simpson, I know lets conference you with Marge
Homer : WAHHH!!! - Oh! I wish I had my reaching broom.
- You don't snuggle with Max Power, you strap yourself in and feel the G's.
- Wannaseemynewchainsawandhockeymask!!!
... Waaaaaaaaa ... Oh right the Side Show Bob thing.
-
Ignore the boy, Lord.
- I have feelings too - like 'My stomach hurts' or 'I'm going crazy!'
- Oooh! ... so everything's wrapped up in a neat little package ... I was serious. Sorry if I sounded sarcastic.
- Can't someone else do it?
- Marge : You know, it's funny ... your father and my mother both seem very lonely.
Homer : Tee hee hee hee hee! That is funny! - Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk ...
- Note to self : stop doing anything.
- Oh,
why do they have to put all of this crud in my newspaper? 'World.' 'The
Arts.' 'Religion.' Ah-ha! Here it is : 'Kickin' Back'.
- You can't go this far and not go farther.
- Homer : Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because ...
Marge : ... we had a fight?
Homer : Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus ...
Marge : ... and you're from Mars.
Homer : Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters. - For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin ... then the sweet, sweet innards ...
- A
gun isn't a weapon; it's a tool. Like a harpoon, or a hammer or a ...
an alligator. You just need more education on this subject.
- Well, do you remember the time when your cat snowball died? All we have to do is get another jazzman.
- Clown College, phh, you can't eat that.
- Homer : ... You could say he's barking up the wrong bush.
Homer's Brain : That's it Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and no-one was around to hear it. - When a fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn, Something
... something ... then you'll see, You'll avoid catastrophe.
- Public Service Announcement : The following is a public
service announcement - beer can cause liver damage and cancer of the
rectum.
Homer : Mmmm ... beer. - Congratulations! You
all made the team! Except you, you, and you. Greg, I liked your hustle
and your skill. that's why it was so hard to cut you.
- Ned flanders : Homer, did you steal my air conditioner?
Homer : I know it looks bad flanders, but he who is without sin casts the first stone
(homer gets hit with a rock)
Rodd Flanders : I got him, Dad. - Homer : Lenny and Carl are never
around on Wednesday, and they never tell me where they are going
. It's like a conspiracy or something.
Bart : A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way.
Homer : I doooo ... now. - Loan Officer : We are gonna have to take your house if you don't pay your mortgage.
Homer : I'll take the numbers off my house.
Loan Officer :
We'll look for the house with no numbers.
Homer : I'll take the numbers off my neighbor's house.
Loan Officer : We'll look
for the house next to the one with no numbers.
Homer : D'oh!
- Homer : I've always wondered if there was a god, and now I
know - there is, and it's me.
Marge : You're not God, Homer.
Lisa : Remember dad, all glory is fleeting.
Homer : So?
Lisa : Beware the Ides of March.
Homer : No. - Oh, lousy neighbours, I wish I was deaf.
- Ms. Krabappel : I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student
can end up being, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Homer : Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would
join - John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Burgher ... Mmmm ...
burger .... - Hang onto that hat, toyboy
, you might need it when it starts raining naked ladies.
-
Marge : Homer, are you ready ?
Homer : Just gotta put my shoes
on. [Homer is in the lounge, wearing only underpants and playing
both cars on a Scalextric set]. - Presidential
advisor : Mr. President, this welfare reform is nothing but a washed up
... [the chimp leaps shrieking from his chair and lands on the
shoulders of the advisor, and starts raining blows down on his head].
Advisor : Aargh! get off me, Mr. president !
Homer : Heh-heh, that's what ya get for not 'hailing to the chimp'. - Kirk : I sleep in a racing car. Do you ?
Homer :
I sleep in a big bed with my wife. - Homer's
Voice : "Greetings, friend. Do you wish to be as happy as me ? Well,
you have got the power inside you right now. So use it, and send one
dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay,
eternal happiness is just a dollar away!"
- Homer's
Voice : "Hello, this is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court has
ordered me to call every person in town to apologise for my
telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to
forgive me, send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace,
Springfield. You have the power!"
- Lisa : Names aren't important, Bart. A rose by any other name is still a rose.
Bart : Not if they were called stench-blossoms.
Homer :
Or crapweeds.
Marge : I sure would hate to get 12 crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd much rather have candy.
Homer : Not if they were called scumdrops.
HOMER SAYS
